


Eyes Are the Gateway to the Soul

by Hippiainen



Series: A Light Lost in the Dark [5]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 14:59:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13790142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hippiainen/pseuds/Hippiainen
Summary: The Jedi say the dark side is insidious in its ways, in how it takes over you, how you won't notice until it's too late. And when the first outward signs appear, it is far too late.





	Eyes Are the Gateway to the Soul

The air is saturated with the dark side, its power coursing through her, flowing from the tips of her fingers. There's a certain kind of forbidden beauty in the lightning arching in the air, in the storm around her. She is the heart of it, and it's hers to command. This is the first time that she is in control, not just being swept along with the power she has called forth.

The Force is whispering in her ear, egging her on. She's never felt this way, this good. Never knew the power in her, the raw potential. The storm intensifies, but it's still hers, and she won't let it go.

Slowly, it dies down. She wants to hold onto it for a moment, onto the rush, the power, the freedom. But she knows she can't, and her father's presence is there, telling her to stop before she's swept away with it.

Aleena can't help but lament for a moment at the loss. She's breathing heavier, the exhilaration fuelled by adrenaline still rushing through her veins. She wants to do it again. To tap into the Force and bring forth the storm.

Mortis is looking at her fondly, a hint of smile on his lips. "Well done," he's studying her, she's sure of that, "Though you must be careful not to lose yourself in the Force. The power is exhilarating, but with time you'll learn to separate yourself from it. Control is the key to mastery."

Aleena nods, she can understand that. It's just there, she could reach through the thin membrane separating her from the Force and pull the storm back. And it's so tempting… She shakes her head, trying to clear it. "Could we have a little break?" Mortis nods, and with that permission, she walks towards the bathroom. 

She locks the door, leaning on it for a moment and taking a deep breath. The euphoria starts to fade, and a worry wriggles itself into her mind. The dark side shouldn't feel this good, there shouldn't be any of these feelings associated with it. She'd hoped to avoid this trap when she'd started, but the outcome had been inevitable. She had just ignored it.

She needs some water, just to clear her head from it all. The eyes looking back at her from the mirror above the sink are sickly yellow. Not green, but sulphur… She breathes rapidly, clinging onto the sink. No… no, no, no, no…. It can't be, she can't… tainted, impure, unworthy, corrupt - evil.

She's shaking, the fear of herself taking over. An ear-piercing scream escapes her as cracks start to appear in the mirror. She wants this to go away, needs it to go away. The mirror rattles, the cracks widen as it all finally shatters.

She takes a horrified step back, stumbling and falling down. The sobs escape from her lips in a cascade, getting stronger with each breath until she's wailing, tears streaming down her face. She buries her head in her hands, trying to find the calm centre where the light had once been. Now she can only find the dark.

Aleena pulls the Force tighter around herself, a blanket to protect herself from reality. She sweeps her hand upon the floor, small shards feeling coarse underneath her fingers. Something sharp pierces her finger, and the pain jolts her from her dormancy, glassed eyes becoming sharper again. 

She looks at the red bead, pressing her finger close to the wound, wanting to see it grow. The hint of pain is the punishment for her failure. And she deserves it. She'd sworn she'd remain a Jedi, wouldn't fall prey to this corruption. But here she was, the truth had stared back at her in the mirror.

Aleena's hand scrapes the floor, trying to find a larger shard, something with a sharp edge. She should end it here and now, before this corruption spreads further into her body, her mind, her very essence. It's what any Jedi should do, rather than be tainted with this darkness. 

Her fingers curl around a piece of the mirror. She brings it to her lap, turning it around a few times, sliding her finger along the edge. She should do this. Her hand shakes, she's so scared... She doesn't want to. She's too weak, too weak to resist the dark, to do what was necessary, to do the right thing. 

She flinches when the door opens, the shard slipping from her hand, cutting her palm. Hadn't she locked it? Her eyes widen in distress as she sees Mortis at the door. His eyes burn with the dark side and before she can react, he's by her side, taking the glass shard and crushing it to fine dust with the Force. 

As she watches the dust falling to the floor, every other piece of the broken mirror dissipates as well. Even if she would find the courage now, her chance is gone. Closing her eyes, she hangs her head, waiting for his judgment. 

Instead of cutting words, she can feel his hand upon hers, holding her palm up. The pain registers in her head for the first time, but the skin is already knitting together, erasing the pain. "Aleena, what happened?" The concern is so clear in his voice and she feels ashamed for having thought about ending it. But underneath she can feel the shimmering anger. 

The shake of her head is barely noticeable, and she squeezes her eyes tighter shut. He wouldn't understand. For him this is something she should feel proud about. But she's lost any chance of going back, because she let it in, even invited it. 

And she knows what it means, she's already dead. The dark is a cancerous growth that will slowly devour her until there's nothing left. Until Aleena is consumed by it, and something evil and wrong is left in her stead. She should have denied it the platform to grow, cut it at the root. But she doesn't want to die. Because what if the Jedi had been wrong? The Sith that she had met, they were people. Not good, but… people. Not vessels for the dark side, but individuals. And if they could be that, maybe… maybe she could too.

The Force wraps around her, offering comfort she doesn't deserve. She can feel Mortis sit next to her, feel his hand wrap around her shoulder, pulling her closer. Aleena can't help but lean on him. The warmth and closeness calm her, and she opens her eyes, blinking the last tears away. "I," she swallows, "I've become…" she clings to him tighter. 

"Whatever the conventional Jedi wisdom says you have become," she can hear the scorn in his voice as he runs his fingers through her hair, "it is wrong. You have nothing to be afraid of - or ashamed of. Besides," he brings his sleeve to wipe away the tears on her cheeks, looking straight into her eyes, "some changes are not permanent." 

Not yet, Aleena adds to herself, but there's a certain relief flooding her. The knowledge that her eyes are green again… Maybe she wasn't lost, not yet at least. Maybe she could go back if she wanted. "Thank you," she whispers, not entirely sure to whom.


End file.
